Florida is a Media Hoax

If you ever thought the moon landing was faked, now here's proof Florida doesn't exist either!

by FlatWorld News Staff Writer JORDAN JACO

Florida Denier Ned Schninkle with anonymous customer from his ice cream truck business. Photo credit Ned Schninkle

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The “great” state of Florida has long been the butt of jokes regarding backward laws and odd incidents. The headline “Florida Man…” is typically followed by a description of some sort of aberrant act perpetrated by it’s “kooky” residents. These stories have long served as a source of amusement for the rest of the country, secure in the knowledge that their home state must be tame and normal by comparison.

But a recent movement has begun to spread across the United States, and even certain parts of the western hemisphere, centered around a belief that the state of Florida is, in fact, not a real place.

In fact, adherents to this movement, also known as “Florida Deniers,” seem to whole-heartily believe what others have merely long suspected, that the state of Florida was fabricated by Hollywood long ago in order to represent more of an overall concept.

“It all started with Surfside 6” according to a Local Florida Denier

According to local Florida Denier and ice cream truck driver, Ned Schninkle, "It all started with Surfside 6", the 1960's television series show following the sexy adventures of a group of young detectives as they solved crimes in the sleek town of Miami, Florida. The majority of viewers were surprised that they had never heard of the seemingly spotless, modern looking town of Miami, but were happy to suspend disbelief for the duration of the episodes, if only to enjoy the weekly escapades of the young bachelors.

Given the popularity of Surfside 6, other Hollywood studios followed suit and proceeded to set their productions in the mythical town of “Miami, Florida,” which was actually a seaside soundstage built of a large waterfront property just north of Rosarito Beach, in Northern Mexico. Most notably was the popular police drama, Miami Vice, which ran from 1984 to 1990. The series followed a pair of undercover detectives as they navigated the often sleek, often sleazy underworld of “South Florida,” armed with nothing but great looks, stylish clothes, fast cars….and an arsenal of firearms.

But by the early 1990’s, interest in “Florida” had begun to wane, and Hollywood, quick to make a dollar, penned a secret deal to sell the rights to the fictional state to another wing of the entertainment industry, the press.

Throughout the late 1990’s, stories began to flood into the media regarding strange behaviour undertaken by residents of the once spotless state. Reports of strange, backwoods hillbillies and their alligator-centered rituals or former carnival folk that had retired in the panhandle of the state only to bring their bad habits to the region began to surface. While at first, readers were delighted by the outrageous headlines, before too long, the public seemed to lose interest, and news outlets were forced to come up with increasingly incredible, often obscene stories to keep readers entertained.

Today, all that remains of the once prosperous “Miami, Florida” stage, situated in Northern Mexico, are a few crumbling, art deco facades, as most of the sound stages were demolished and repurposed as housing for former hollywood crew members who had fallen on hard times. Gone are the lush gardens and olympic sized pools that doubled as the grounds of some fictional Miami resort. Now replaced by rows upon rows of trailers and motor homes.

As for the physical landmass that the world once considered “Florida,” many Florida Deniers are convinced that the landmass is still technically a part of Georgia. And since much of that land consists of wet lands and swamps, it truly is hard to say for sure.

Regarding the shockingly atrocious headlines that have long been the butt of this countries’ jokes, anonymous sources in the media claim that many of them were actually repurpurpoed from factual stories of occurrences within the United states. In fact, one source who was a former editor for a major east coast newspaper even claims that the very worst stories that came across her desk were often repurposed as “Florida Man” stories in order to further entice the reader.

If this is in fact true, then the atrocities we once mocked, perpetrated by the “Floridians” we once scoffed at are really our own atrocities; and we are, in fact, the real “Florida Men.”